How To Stop Worrying: 5 Lessons To Live By

When it comes to learning how to stop worrying, this quote comes to mind as the central theme that will run through this entire post:

We suffer more in our imagination more often than in reality.”

—Seneca

Worry can be a crippling emotion.

It prevents you from reaching your highest aspirations, putting yourself out there more, and living the life you know you’re meant to live. And much of the worry we suffer through is needless and causes unnecessary stress, which leads to my first piece of advice on how to stop worrying about things you can’t control. The thing is…

 

Worry doesn’t change outcomes

My heart was beating out of my chest as I sat at my desk waiting to go to my boss’s office. I’d been at the company for a couple of years and set a meeting to ask about getting a raise.

I spent a week preparing everything. I printed out the compared salaries of people in my position. I wrote out an entire document on exactly what I would do to grow the company’s revenue, improve results for our clients, and boost our brand.

It’s smart to prepare for a big moment, but it’s useless to worry about it. And while I intellectually knew that, it’s much more challenging to actually live that way. And so I worried about this meeting a lot; the anticipation kept me up at night, unable to sleep.

“What if he says no?”

“How awkward will it be around the office if I don’t get the raise?

“Am I asking for too much, too soon? Am I hurting my future with the company?”

I went into the office, delivered the presentation, and gave my pitch.

Afterwards, he sat there for what seemed like hours. In reality, it was less than a minute.

“Sounds good, Ayo. You can have the raise.”

I could have achieved the same outcome without needless worrying. I could’ve prepared well and let the chips fall where they may.

INSTEAD, I wasted time and energy worrying—energy that could’ve gone toward making the presentation better.

The moral of the story?

Worrying about what could happen has zero effect on the outcome.

If you want to figure out how to stop worrying, this realization helps. 👆🏾

When you’re worried about a situation in the future, continually remind yourself that worrying won’t help.

But one thing that will help is focusing on the things you can control, which is why this next point matters so much.

 

Preparation is the antidote to worry

The late Kobe Bryant is an NBA legend.

He won five championships, earned league MVP, and won multiple scoring titles. He was known for his “killer instinct” and having “ice in his veins” during clutch moments when the game was on the line.

Regardless of the situation, he never seemed worried.

I saw a video where a reporter asked him why he never seemed to worry or doubt himself. His answer, paraphrased, was that he practiced and prepared so much that he didn’t feel the need to worry.

He practiced every possible scenario. Every move until it became part of his DNA. He studied the other players and anticipated what they were going to do before they did it.

He said the only reason for feeling doubt would be if he hadn’t prepared for the moment.

His philosophy, the philosophy I’m passing on to you, is that if you put all your effort and energy into preparing for the moment, you will find your solace in that preparation—not what happens in the moment.

I prepared to ask for my raise and I should have felt confident because I put my heart and soul into the pitch.

Whatever it is you are trying to achieve in life, if you put all your energy and effort into the process, you shouldn’t worry about the outcomes.

The more you prepare, the less you’ll worry.

If you become someone who continually prepares, you’ll increase your confidence and stop worrying.

 

Embrace your mortality

This might feel counterintuitive, but if you want to know how to not worry about the future, remember this:

You’re going to die.

It might happen sooner than you think.

Focusing on your mortality can help you put yourself out there, take risks, worry less about rejection, and prevent the fear of embarrassment from getting in your way of living life to the fullest.

Seneca’s “On the Shortness of Life” is a book I refer to at least once a year because it puts everything into perspective, teaches me not to worry, and shows me how to best use this short amount of time I have on earth.

You act like mortals in all that you fear, and like immortals in all that you desire.

—Seneca

We all believe we have an endless runway to achieve our goals.

We let worry push our plans to the future, again and again, until we die.

And yet, we “act like mortals” in what we fear and treat non-life-threatening situations as if they will kill us.

We worry because we don’t want to:

• Fail in front of other people
• Experience rejection
• Put our all into something and fail
• Look stupid and embarrass ourselves
• Take costly risks that backfire

So many of the things we’re deathly afraid of will seem trite and insignificant when we’re on our deathbeds.

As a writer with an audience, I’ve been blessed to hear from more readers than I can count. People reach out to me to tell me their dreams and their regrets.

I can’t tell you how many times someone in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even 80s has reached out to me to tell me how they feel like they wasted their lives. Why? Because they spent far too much time worrying and not enough time living.

They wish they had started that project or business.

Or they spent years in situations they hated—jobs, marriages, and locations—because they were worried about the uncertainty of starting over.

They now realize they should have spent less time worrying and done whatever it was they wanted to do, but many of them feel like it’s too late.

And in many ways, it is too late.

Everything gets harder as you get older. It’s just a fact. And while you should always make the most of whatever life you have left, it’s important to understand the reality of aging and embrace the present moment:

It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested.

—Seneca

How does focusing on your mortality help when it comes to figuring out how to stop worrying about things you can’t control?

You can sum up the answer in one word — time.

Time spent needlessly worrying takes away from time spent living well and exerting power over the things you do control.

You can’t control whether or not people will like you, accept your ideas, or join your cause, but you shouldn’t want to. As weird as it seems, you wouldn’t want a smooth path that’s devoid of uncertainty. You wouldn’t look back on it fondly.

If you figure out how to stop worrying about things you can’t control, though, you will look back at your life with pride because you were brave enough to act in spite of uncertainty.

If you can’t control something as monumental as the day and time you breathe your last breath, why would you spend any time worrying about what happens before that?

 

Get over your fear of social rejection

I have a story about dating that illustrates the power of what happens when you stop worrying about things you can’t control and just go for it.

For a lot of men, asking a beautiful woman out is one of the most terrifying things in the world. When you’re a man in that situation, you’re worried about what the woman will say, you’re worried about what other people will think when they see you approach a woman in public, and you’re worried about how badly it will backfire if you get rejected.

Now for the story.

One time I was at a bar with two guys and two girls. This guy walks up to our group and politely asks one of the girls if she is dating any of us. She said no. He asked her out. She said no. He gracefully leaves.

The approach was a bit awkward and we had a little chuckle out of it, but we did respect him for having the courage to do that in front of the group.

The lesson you can draw from this story?

Nobody cares. 

Take the story above. There were a lot of variables that the guy couldn’t control. He couldn’t control what the girl said in response. He couldn’t control what I thought. Same with my friends. 

The way to stop worrying about what you can’t control in social situations is to focus on what you can control.

Don’t make a positive response your goal. Make the approach itself the goal.

You saw someone you wanted to talk to, so your goal is to talk to them because you wanted to talk to them. That’s it.

Focus on the intent instead of the outcome.

When it seems like the moment isn’t such a big deal to you, the other person will relax more and be more likely to respond in a positive way.

Fear of social rejection and embarrassment are two huge sources of worry for most people.

But here’s the thing: Even if you do get rejected, the person who rejects you will forget almost instantly. Same with any group of people who catch you in some embarrassing moment. 

The downside is a couple of seconds where you look a bit goofy in front of others.

There’s an upside, though. For one, people respect those who put themselves out there because they wish they dared to do the same. Second, you get mental peace because you tried. 

That’s the funny thing about rejection, embarrassment, and failure. Even though you’re afraid of them, you never feel regret after the fact. You only feel regret for failing to take action on the things you know you want to do.

I’m reminded of this quote: 

Ur gonna regret all those times you didn’t waltz inside the smoky bar

Go running amidst the thunder & lightning

Get in your car at and blitz to the ocean for a midnight swim

All the venues you walked by without peeking inside

All the Hello’s you never said

— brute de force (@brutedeforce) July 29, 2021

Optimize your life for minimizing regret and you’ll spend far less time worrying and much more time living.

 

Say yes to worthy risks

If you want to stop worrying, it’s wise to focus on the upsides and downsides of every situation and act accordingly.

Too often, we focus solely on the negative potential outcomes (often things outside of our control) allowing our fears to paralyze us into inaction.

But what if we shifted our perspective to consider the incredible upsides that come with taking worthy risks?

When you frame situations this way, you’ll often find that the potential upsides far outweigh the downsides. Take worthy risks that align with your values and have the potential to significantly improve your life.

When you’re taking worthy risks, focus on the variables you can control.

Take what I do. I can’t predict exactly how much money I make each month, but I can focus on factors I have total control over:

• How much content I make each day, week, and month
• How many potential clients I reach out to on a daily basis
• How many promotions I send to my audience through my email list

If I hit the process numbers, then revenue usually follows. Yes, there are things I can’t control in my business like shifts in my industry, the economy, and my competition. But the less I worry about the outside noise and focus on my craft, my audience, and my customers, the better I do.

This theme runs through the entire post and it’s the solution to stop worrying about the things you can’t control.

If you talk to every person you’re interested in meeting, you’ll have a large network, romantic partner, and great friends.

If you consistently publish content for years, you will have an audience. Business success isn’t guaranteed, but many business models are predictable enough to do well if you put daily effort into them.

When it comes to your life, focus most of your energy on the controllable variables, and let the rest fall into place. Maybe the results won’t happen exactly the way you thought they would or on your perfect timeline, but they’ll happen.

Remember, most of the things we worry about never come to pass. And even when they do, they’re rarely as bad as we imagined. On the flip side, the rewards can be life-changing.

By focusing on the upside, you’ll naturally start to worry less and live more. You’ll become more resilient in the face of temporary setbacks because you understand that each “failure” is just a stepping stone toward the life you’ve meant to live.

So, the next time you find yourself hesitating due to worry, ask yourself:

“What’s the worst that could happen? And what amazing things might unfold if I take this risk?”

When you start living with this mindset, you’ll find that the world opens up in ways you never imagined.

So take that leap, make that call, start that project. The upside could be beyond anything you’ve ever imagined. And that, my friend, is how you stop worrying and start truly living.