7 Ways Being a People Pleaser Makes Life Worse

When we try to please everyone, we end up pleasing no one, least of all ourselves”

—Simon Sinek

The phrase “people pleaser” may sound like a good thing. Sort of like how you might play a “crowd pleasers” playlist at a party to make everybody happy. 

But the reality is, being a chronic people pleaser can be a serious problem, one that can leave you feeling anxious, frustrated, resentful, burnt out, and isolated.

This article will explore exactly what people pleasing is and why we do it, and show you examples of what happens if you don’t address this issue. Throughout the article, I’ll share resources and tips to help you deal with your people-pleasing problems head-on.

 

What is a people pleaser?

A people pleaser is an individual who is concerned about making other people happy, typically at the expense of their own well-being. 

That last part is key, because pretty much everyone has some people-pleasing tendencies. It’s not a bad thing to want people to like you, and to care for the happiness of your friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers. 

People pleasers run into problems when they view the needs of others (or what they perceive others’ needs to be) as more important than their own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.

Here are some examples of behaviors you might be familiar with, to help you flesh out your people pleaser definition: 

When you meet a people pleaser, they may (at first) seem like a person who is easy-going and rolls with the punches. 

But actually, the opposite is true. Though people pleasers might say they are “down for whatever,” they aren’t saying this becaues they are relaxed—they’re saying it because they’re overly anxious about hurting others’ feelings or being perceived as unlikeable. 

I’ve had moments like this in my life. I’ve said yes to requests for parties when I knew I had important work to do:

“Come on man…just come out for one drink!”

“You don’t even come to hang out with us anymore—we haven’t seen you in forever!”

“One night out won’t kill you, will it?”

Then I am the one left to deal with the hangover, the wasted time, and the fact that I put someone else’s wants over my own.

Funny enough, the same people who you bend over backward for generally don’t reciprocate your efforts.

I’ve been in the reverse situation with the same friends who had no problem saying no to me when the thing I wanted didn’t fit into their plans.

All this stemmed from me caring about what other people thought because I wanted to be cool.

People who truly know how to be cool don’t worry about what others think of them, but people pleasers are intensely focused on the thoughts of others. Unfortunately, they often get their perceptions of other people’s thoughts and feelings wrong for two reasons: 

1. It’s impossible to read minds, so knowing others’ true thoughts and feelings is virtually impossible, especially if you don’t know how to be an active listener and pick up on coded language. 

2. People-pleasing behavior is typically rooted in self-consciousness or low self-esteem. 

The life of a people pleaser is like a funhouse mirror. They are constantly seeking validation from others, without seeking it themselves. 

 

7 Signs of a people pleaser

1. People walk all over you

When you become a people pleaser, you have a difficult time setting boundaries. Because you want other people to like you so badly, you’ll do things you don’t want to do for the sake of approval.

If you’re known for saying yes to every request and obligation, people will keep coming to you with more and more requests because they know you won’t say no.

Some people don’t mean to take advantage of you, but they will if you allow them to.

Even if it’s just on a subconscious level, people will lose respect for you if you fail to set boundaries with them. We all have an intuitive sense of this.

You can tactfully and politely learn how to use the word “no.” There’s only so much time available to you. You have to prioritize your time and let others know that sometimes you just can’t make their request a priority right now.

I remember asking about a half dozen people to help me move. Only two showed up even though most said they would be there. A handful of people who didn’t come actually asked me to help them move a few months later. I didn’t oblige.

This wasn’t out of revenge. I just adopted the same attitude they did.

They had things going on in their lives that took precedence over helping me, which is cool. When they asked me, I had things going on that took precedence, too, so I decided to say no.

Resources:

 

 

2. You turn people off who would have otherwise liked you

People-pleasing behavior can turn other people off and make them like you less. You can actually drive away people who might have liked you just the way you are.

People who pretend to be overly nice usually have a motive behind it.

Have you ever had a stranger approach you in a super friendly manner to the point it felt weird?

I was at a sporting goods store once and this guy came out of nowhere and started chatting me up. At first, it just seemed like a normal conversation. But after talking for what seemed too long for a convo with a stranger, I felt it coming:

“So…would you be interested in making extra money from home?”

He was selling one of those multi-level marketing schemes where you recruit people to join your sales force. Instead of wanting to get to know me, he was buttering me up for a sales pitch.

When you’re a people pleaser, you make a contract in your head that says if you’re “nice” and do good deeds for other people, in exchange, they’ll give you what you want from them—friendship, a romantic relationship, love, approval, status, etc.

This turns people off because they get the sense you don’t feel worthy of love just because you are you.

It shows a lack of confidence in yourself and it makes people wonder what sort of insecurities you’re trying to mask with your people-pleasing behavior.

In short, they see through the charade.

Imagine you had a check for one million dollars and walked up to someone to give it away.

Would you need to butter them up for it or would you just straight up let them know about the offer? If they believed you and didn’t think it was a prank, they’d respond positively because it’s a no-brainer.

If you have value to offer as a person, all you need to do is be yourself and engage with people in a natural way. Your value will be self-evident.

Being a people pleaser might get some people to like you, but it will probably turn off a lot of people who could have and would have ended up being a part of your life because you were real with them.

Resources:

 

 

3. You attract the wrong people into your life

In addition to turning off good-hearted people who would like to be part of your life, you’ll develop the tendency to draw people into your life who use you intentionally.

This is why people like con artists can pull off what seems like ridiculous scams that make you think “why would anyone go for that?” The con part of conman is shorthand for confidence. Good con artists help people feel loved, accepted, wanted, and needed.

Those who lack those feelings of belonging will do almost anything to get them, even if it’s not in their best interest.

People pleasers do this because they don’t understand their own worth.

If people-pleasing is your primary way of connecting with others (even if they’re not good people), you’ll double down on it and continue to attract people who aren’t good for you, like…

Have you ever noticed in yourself, or in others, the tendency to get into the same exact type of negative relationships over and over again, even though they always end badly?

This is the pattern you create when you enter relationships with the need to get validation from another person instead of from yourself.

It sends a signal to people who regularly take advantage of others.

And this creates a never-ending cycle of bringing toxic relationships into your life—people who only see the value in what you can do for them and not your value as a person.

There’s a quote I love that sums this up perfectly:

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.

—Tony Gaskins

Human beings constantly test each other’s boundaries. The way you respond conditions people to either keep testing them (to see if they can get away with more) or stop (because you’re firm about protecting your boundaries).

Most of this doesn’t happen on a conscious level either. So, sometimes, you can’t be upset with others because they don’t even know they’re doing it.

 

Resources:

 

 

4. People-pleasing makes you feel like a fraud

Wanna know the funny part?

Being a people pleaser can help others warm up to you early on, but they won’t like you. They will like the caricature of yourself you built for their approval.

You’ll end up in a never-ending cycle. You’ll use people-pleasing behaviors to draw others in, and they’ll like the fake version of you instead of the real you.

This will exacerbate your insecurities, which will just make you double down on your people-pleasing behaviors. In your goal of trying to win people’s favor, you’ll just grow less and less confident over time.

This can go on until you’re no longer “you” at all and the web of false behavior catches up to you. You’re trapped and enter a state of permanent martyrdom where you spend the rest of your life taking care of everyone else’s needs but your own.

You might be upset with other people because they don’t see how much you’re going out of your way to make their lives better.

But here’s thing thing. Nobody asked you to do that. You took it upon yourself and now you have nobody to blame but you.

Stop doing things based on whether or not you think XYZ will make people like you. Start doing things because you want to do them.

Real confidence comes from your ability to be okay with people not liking you. That’s it.

You will turn some people off by being yourself, but that’s not a bad thing. In fact, you should lead with the aspects of yourself that are a little bit out there so you give people a clear picture of who you are right away.

Let them take it or leave it.

Reverse the equation. Rather than trying to get people to like you. Determine whether or not you like them. Take a page out of a salesperson’s book.

A lot of times salespeople ask “qualification questions” to get you to convince them why they should let you buy their product.

For example: “We only work with serious people who are looking to grow their business. How serious are you about getting your business off the ground? Why now? What makes this urgent for you?”

You can achieve a similar effect by taking the time to ask yourself these qualification questions in your mind:

• Is this person a good fit to be in my life?
• Why should I spend time with them?
• Do we have the same values?
• What do they bring to the table?

You don’t need to be a jerk about it nor should you make yourself seem bigger and better than you are.

But when you understand and value the kind of person you are, you realize not everyone is a good fit to be in your life.

And when you behave authentically, you’ll have an upward spiral of confidence. People will like you for the real you.

Resources:

 

 

5. You are frustrated with the world and other people

When you’re a chronic people pleaser, you’ll develop this growing sense of frustration with not just the people around you but life in general. You’ll feel like you give so much only to get so little in return.

There’s a great analogy for this when it comes to dating. Often many men fall into the trap of thinking they should get more dates because they are “nice guys.” But they often fail in romantic relationships and it has nothing to do with their inherent self-worth.

Instead, this “nice guy” facade becomes a play that women recognize and turn away from, which causes the guy to get resentful and frustrated with women instead of understanding that it’s their own behavior causing the issue, not the women.

This is an analogy you can use for anyone who tries to attract what they want from the world. You become like the “nice guy” who just doesn’t get why he can’t get a date. You’ll be the nice person that doesn’t understand why you can’t get the right people to like you. 

And you’ll end up spending most of your life frustrated when you don’t have to be. This can lead to excess stress, depression, anxiety, and many other psychological and emotional issues that could’ve been avoided.

At least when you bite the bullet and start being your authentic self, you have a chance to improve your overall confidence, satisfaction, and well-being.

In the short term, it will be difficult because you’ll have to wrestle with issues like lack of self-esteem and fear of rejection, which can cause psychological pain, too. But, in the long run, you actually have a shot at getting what you want.

Just cut through the noise and be direct:

• Ask for the date
• Ask for the sale
• Ask for the raise

Whatever it may be, just start to “make the ask” without the need to butter people up whatsoever.

Resources:

 

 

6. Other people are frustrated with you

Neediness can annoy other people. When you go out of your way to be overly nice, it can be annoying because people can tell you’re only doing it to get along instead of being genuine.

In short, pretending to be someone you’re not and feigning niceness is like telling an actual lie to other people. Nobody likes being lied to. Over time, some people will get the sense that you’re being dishonest and they’ll want you to cut the act and be real.

You have probably met someone in your life who apologizes for things that aren’t actually their fault. Maybe you tell them to stop saying sorry and then they say sorry for being sorry.

These types make you feel the weight of their apologetic nature. They weigh you down as their self-pity starts to rub off on you. Nobody wins.

People don’t like to feel like you want something from them. In the same way you get upset by the feeling of being used, others may sense ulterior motives from your behavior—and assume you’re trying to take respect and friendship from them instead of just letting them freely give it to you.

This leads to a situation where both parties are now frustrated and it puts strain on the relationship as a whole.

There’s a difference between apologizing when you’re wrong and being apologetic all the time. There’s a difference between doing a kind deed for the sake of doing it or doing it with a motive.

People can tell, so do your best to recognize and avoid these behaviors.

Resource:

 

 

7. Being a people pleaser keeps you from living an authentic life

If you spend your whole time on this Earth as a people pleaser, you’ll never get to feel what it’s like to live an abundant life full of a bunch of genuine relationships.

You won’t get to experience the joy of being able to freely express yourself without fear of what other people will think. You won’t get to enjoy all of the opportunities you could have had, had you just been your real self.

People-pleasing behavior holds you back in many arenas—from friendships to romantic relationships, to your career, and to your overall sense of meaning and purpose in this life. Living an authentic life means you pursue the goals and relationships you want without having to pretend to be something you’re not.

When you live your life this way, you get much closer to the life you really want to live because you’re not wasting tons of time and energy trying to please other people (or keep people in your life who don’t deserve to be there). You’ll know what real confidence means and what it feels like.

Confidence comes from knowing that you’re able to handle any situation in life just by being yourself. You know who you are. You know what you want. And you know which type of people would be a good fit for that journey. When you know those three things, it’s much easier to navigate life.

When you live an inauthentic life, you’ll continue to wonder what your life would be like if you finally just dropped the act.

You’ll have these dreams about what you want to accomplish that just won’t come true because you’re too afraid of conflict, rejection, and people not liking you.

You’ll never come anywhere near close to reaching your full potential and you’ll know it.

Resources:

 

 

 

How to stop people pleasing (and embrace your true self)

There’s no magic remedy to overcome people-pleasing, but it is certainly something you can work on and improve with time and effort. 

You’ll need to do more reflection to answer the question: “Why am I a people pleaser?” A professional counselor can be a great ally in finding the answer to that question. 

Once you’re able to recognize the root causes of your people pleasing ways and how it manifests in you day to day, you’ll be able to start pushing back against it. 

It will take time, but soon you’ll learn how to say no when you need to, how to put your own needs first, and how to drop the facade and become a more authentic person. And as you do, you’ll start to reap all the benefits that come when you unlearn how to be a people pleaser.